And I have the puddles to prove it!
By – Jeannine Miller (firstname.lastname@example.org)
I’m getting old, my back is shot, I’m going to physical therapy...blah, blah, blah. Among other suggestions, my physical therapist recommended Bikram Yoga. I’ve tried regular yoga a few times and it just wasn’t for me. She assured me this was much different and it would take my stretching exercises to a whole different level, which would be really good for my back. I told her I’d think about it (translation: I’ll never give it another thought). But the next day when I told one of my girlfriends that my therapist was recommending Bikram, she proceeded to tell me about her hairdresser’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s aunt who lost 40 pounds in one month doing Bikram. I signed up that very day, obvi.
The first red flag should have been when I saw the pictures on the website. These people are wearing next to nothing. Seriously, NEXT TO NOTHING. Clearly, that’s not going to work for this ample sister, but I did don bike shorts as opposed to my usual workout choice of capris (I’m so crazy). The next warning signal should have been when I signed in and the Zen-like lovely at the desk told me my goal for the first few sessions was just to be able stay in the room the whole time, nothing more. I honestly thought she was just kidding.
Each session of Bikram is 90 minutes long and consists of 26 poses. This is all done in a room kept at 105 degrees with 40% humidity. By pose number two, my heart rate was already elevated. On pose number four, the woman in front of me was wrapping her long, lean legs around themselves like wet ropes and I couldn’t even get my chubsters to stay together side-by-side due to the gallons of slippery sweat pouring off me.
On pose number eight I was instructed to grab my heels from the outside, lock my knees and bend forward until my forehead touched the floor. I haven’t been that dizzy since doing a 2-story beer bong at a fraternity party. Two things were running simultaneously through my mind: (1) What position will I land in when I faint? (2) Will any of these sweaty nut-jobs even notice there is a man down?
By pose number 21, the vomit was trying to come, but didn’t dare because the drill sergeant at the front kept saying “keep bending back until you see the wall…you’re supposed to feel like you’re going to faint…if you’re freaking out, you’re doing it right…look back at the wall upside-down you total loser…” All right, perhaps that isn’t an exact quote, but how can I possibly remember, being nearly unconscious and all?
In the end, I just had to focus on the one pose I was actually quite good at, the Corpse Pose. And, yes, it’s a real pose.
And now a word from my sponsor, Moss Building & Design:
If you prefer to work out in your own home and leave the hot yoga for Jeannine, give us a call. We’ll help you convert your unused space into a workout room tailored to your specific needs. Call 703-961-7707 for a free estimate.
In addition to blogging about all things home and family-related, Jeannine Miller manages Moss Building & Design’s HandyMOM 101 workshop program and coordinates Moss’ philanthropic efforts in the community.